I'll Stay The Same
by sparkleyrainbows
Summary: Blaine only allowed himself to open his heart once a year, and everytime he did, the pain came rushing back.


Blaine shut the door as quietly as he could behind him and tip-toed across the floor. He opened the closet door and flinched as it squeaked, but no one came to see what the noise was. He pulled on the chain, the small space filling with yellow light. Blaine ducked down and lifted out the stool that stool in the farthest corner. He set it into place, marks on the floor for the perfect spot, and reached over the highest self, into the darkest corner. You would never be able to tell something was hiding back there unless you were looking for it, something Blaine had discovered as soon as he moved into the apartment. This suited Blaine perfectly.

His fingers touched the familiar shape and his hands wrapped around it. He pulled the box out slowly, as though it would break. Blaine hopped off the stool and pulled the light on, shutting the door with his foot as he exited the closet, his eyes on the box alone. He sat down on the floor against the bed, his back to the bedroom door. He curled his knees up to his chest and placed the box on the floor beside him.

There was a moment where Blaine didn't move, he simply looked at the box. He was scared to open it, but also excited, a mix of emotions that resulted in butterflies in his chest. Blaine took a deep breath, his fingers tracing over the wood and fabric that covered the box. It felt smooth under his skin and reminded him of another touch he had felt long ago. With a deep breath, Blaine's fingers slipped to the lock and flicked open the box.

The smell of old papers fluttered out and Blaine inhaled deeply. He lightly ruffled the pages before pulling the top-most one out.

_Dear Kurt,_

_New York with you has been lovely, but I cannot keep lying to myself anymore. I saw your eyes here today, as you walked me through Times Square. You belong here. You belong here, at New York, but where am I? I'm in Lima. I'm not New York, Kurt. I always knew you were special, but I never realized how much you can shine until today. You need to cut the chords of your past, you need a new start to be free and show the world what you can be. You need more than me._

Blaine felt a sad smile flicker on his lips as he placed the letter on the floor and picked up the next.

_Dear Kurt,_

_I was an idiot. I never should have done what I did. I have never made a bigger mistake. Please Kurt. Please. I've been trying to call you but you never answer. Kurt. I miss saying your name. I miss the way your eyes light up when you see me. I miss the taste of your skin, and the feel of your body pressed against mine. Kurt, please, let me explain myself... I miss you._

There was a few more lines, but Blaine pushed the letter away, already knowing how it ends. He picked up the next page, his eyes sweeping over the words.

_Kurt_

_Rachel called me today. She's says your doing better. I'm glad. I wish I could say the same._

The next letter looked older even though the box was suppose to be in order, as if it was caught between the pages of time, uncertain as to where it belonged.

_My dear love,_

_Lima is so dull without you. Nothing is the same. Glee Club is no fun and school is a blur. I'm not living any more. I miss you. I cannot wait to go to New York and see you. Don't forget you promised to come home for Thanksgiving! Maybe we can spend Christmas together at your place, our second one together as a couple. I don't know what I'll get you this year, but I promise it'll be perfect. I love you, Kurt. Please come back soon. It hurts without you. _

_Love, your Blaine_

There were tear marks on the letter, some fresh, some old. Blaine began reading over the letters quicker, each one different,yet the same.

_Dear Kurt_

_I hear about you all the time. Everywhere. Whispers in the hall, gossip in Glee Club, on facebook... I haven't been able to unfriend you yet, and you seem to haven't been able to do the same. It's a little thing, but it gives me hope. I saw Rachel post on your wall that you have a date tonight. Congrats. I hope he doesn't get chocolate syrup on your shirt like I did. But if he does, I hope you don't forgive him like you forgave me._

_Dear Kurt_

_I had a date last night. I know you already know that. You want to know how? Because I told Tina who told Rachel who told you, even though she had been told not to. Then you told Rachel who told me that you "were happy for me." I didn't kiss him though. That's something that I think you should know. I wish I could be happy for me._

_Dear Kurt_

_You didn't come back for Thanksgiving. Or Christmas._

_Dear Kurt_

_I saw you at the graduation ceremony. You smiled at me but I ran away. Sorry, but it hurt too much to see him holding your hand._

_Dear Kurt_

_I have a boyfriend now. He's nice. I like him a lot. Maybe even love him. But kissing him doesn't feel like kissing you._

_Dear Kurt_

_I almost called you. Almost. It's been two years, but I miss you. I miss you so much. Sometimes it hits me in the middle of walking home and I can't breathe. Why do I feel this way? I shouldn't feel this way. I broke up with you, it was my choice. It's been two years. I should be over you._

There were hundreds of letters. Some of them were short, other long. Some were sweet, some were horribly sad. There were a few that couldn't be read with all the tears spilled over them, and a few that were ripped to bits. But yet, the_y _all remained in that small box of wood.

He didn't read them all, but he skimmed them. It only took a few seconds before all the emotions and memories came flying back. Blaine remembered everything. He never forgot a thing about Kurt.

Blaine took the newest letter from off his bed and set it in the box, wiping the tears from his face.

"What are you doing?"

Blaine spun his head around to the door, seeing the outline of a man. "Nothing. I'll be out in a second."

"Are you okay?"

Blaine nodded. "Yes. Please let me be." He gave a false smile. "I'll be out shortly, honey."

The man smiled back and walked out, leaving the door open a crack. Blaine turned back to the letters and let the pain come back.

Kurt. It's been 6 years today since his heart broke. It's been 6 years today since he broke Kurt's heart. 6 years today since Blaine made his biggest regret. 6 years since their fairtale ended. 6 whole years.

Every year, on this day, Blaine opened the box and read all of the unsent letters he's written to Kurt over the years. He used to write a lot at the beginning, but they've slowed down as time's gone by. Some days, the pain hit him so swiftly that he didn't know what else to do, so he wrote to Kurt. His boyfriend didn't know about Kurt. He didn't know about the box, or how Blaine still loves a man he hasn't seen in years.

But he did know that Blaine loves Broadway and fashion. Especially the Broadway star Kurt Hummel and his fantastic fashion line. Blaine's been to all of Kurt's shows. Because even after all these years, he's still in love with the boy he could never let go.

Blaine put the letters away, lying the newest on top. He left the box out, it won't go in the closet until later. He knew Rachel expected a call from him, he calls her every year as well. They'll talk for hours, Blaine asking Rachel questions and Rachel, with pity, answering them. Each year, he promises her he'll call Kurt. Each year, he never does.

Maybe this year will be different. Maybe, but he doubts it. Blaine loves Kurt too much to put him through the same pain he suffers every day.

_Dear Kurt Hummel,_

_Thank you for the invite, but unfortunately, I am unable to attend your wedding. I hope your day is amazing and is everything you ever wanted it to be. I know it'll be perfect, no matter what, because you'll have planned it with the man you love. _

_Love, Blaine Anderson_

_..._

_Dear Blaine,_

_It won't be perfect. It's not with you._


End file.
